From One Introverted Mom to Another,

Dear Introverted Mom,

Are you introspective and need time alone? Do you process things in your big open internal world? Do you like to spend time thinking before you respond? Do you not need to be the center of attention yet still want others to see you and pursue a conversation with you? Do you hate answering the phone especially if you don’t know who it is?  For years, like 35 years, I thought I was an extrovert.   Probably because I liked people so much and loved being around others that it just made sense that I was an extrovert. Plus being an extrovert seems to be sexier and more fun than being an introvert (at least that what’s I thought).  Extroverts make 50-74% of the population so my chances were high that I was an extrovert. Overtime I have come to realize I am a true bread introvert. I still love people but have come to terms that I often lean into an extroverted introvert category. I love my alone time. I need my alone time. Time with no external stimulation. Time with no one to care for. I need time to think and process life.   This makes me sane and in turn a better mom, wife, friend.

Introverted mom, here are some things that seem to help me. Extroverted mom, you may have an introverted child or friend or husband so hopefully this isn’t too boring for you. And who knows, maybe you’re more introverted than you think. Wink wink. We aren’t that boring of a species. J  These suggestions are only my own. Things that I have found that serve my family well. They by no means have any authority and superiority over your own ideas.  And each introvert will have a different experience.  But it can’t hurt to get the conversation started, right?  So here it goes.

Embrace the younger years.

If you have younger children it’s inevitable that you will be home more.  Whether you are a working parent or not, your kids needs naps, earlier bed times, and don’t have school or extra curricular activities yet. Introverted mom, soak it in!  You get time at home! You get quiet (at least part of the time) when your kid is sleeping. When they get older you don’t get this time anymore, unless you plan it (which I do! Yes, my kids still do a ‘quiet/room’ time every day). 

Life for me with 3 little babies was insanely taxing BUT it was at home. And there is something about being at home for me that is comforting. Now my time is spent out of the home.  I have to ‘be on’ when I take my kids to a sports class because I’ll see and end up talking to parents (which I love, but it does take a lot of energy from me).   Somehow play dates have become an expected thing around my house (probably because 2 of my 3 kids are extroverts) and my kids are constantly asking for play dates so I’m connecting with parents at pick up or drop off.  They have field trips and social events at school. All good stuff! But again, all that makes me feel tired.  Those of you that have younger kids, I know the days may feel terribly long and mundane but there is a beautiful peace about not having to be 3 places each evening for different events. Breathe in. Breath out. Enjoy the safety of your home and the simplicity of your schedule.

Stop looking at that extroverted mom.

Don’t compare yourself to an extrovert. You are wired differently and have different needs. I know you want to sign up for that bake sale but you also have baseball practice the same day and are meeting up with a friend for coffee. As an introvert that is plenty! Maybe even too much. You don’t have to say yes to everything. Because if you do, then you don’t have energy for your main priorities, your family. You might look like a bitch, but you aren’t. You're human. You're afraid that you might come across as you don't but be confident that you are setting healthy limits.   Don’t compare yourself to the extrovert and feel down because she posted all the things she did this week on facebook. When you know your limits and stick to them, you are protecting yourself and your family.  You are loving them well.  That extroverted mom isn’t better than you, just different.

Know Thyself

This is what I need sometimes

It feels like an itch to me. But an itch that doesn’t go away by itching. This itch or tickle I get can physically feel this way inside of me when I’m overextended and over sensored. It’s frustrating because I can’t just itch it and it goes away.  Noticing this uneasiness doesn’t make it go away either. I have to do nothing.  That is hard to do!! Nothing!!! Nature is a huge anti itch cream remedy for me. Getting away from city life and walking in dirt and breathing in fresh air, and looking up at a canopy of trees starts to relieve the tickle. Getting away from my phone (especially social media), my kids, city driving….this relaxes me. Another calming tool I use is writing. To journal. Another is to read. It has taken me so long to even notice what my body feels like when I’ve been too extroverted. Know yourself. Be curious about what gives you life and what sucks it out of you. Listen to your body and what it’s telling you.  A plus to this one is that as you know yourself you’ll start to notice what your family needs as well. Are your kids introverted too? What a gift for them to see you create healthy boundaries for yourself; that will empower them to do the same.

Don’t turn into a hermit.

Don’t be weird.   Turn off Netflix and go outside.  Say hi to the neighbor who passes by while you’re walking.   Having young kids can be so isolating.   So push yourself when needed to initiate that phone call with a friend or schedule that play date for your child with the mom you like.  Be bold and courageous. You can do!

Even introverts are made for connection and need to be around people.

Being an introvert doesn't define me. But I do find it weird that it is something that we don't really talk about as moms, especially first time moms.  Why don't we? It's a huge part of how we parent and the expectations we put on ourselves. It effects how we plan our daily lives. I think it's worth taking a look at and reflecting. Am I taking care of myself? Am I aware of what I need and what my limits are?  And if you ever need another introvert mom to listen to you or talk to you ;)  I'm here.

Love,

An extroverted introvert