Push the fast forward button on the remote in my life and it finds me on a coach with my counselor. No, I'm not laying flat on my back like you see in the movies. But I am feeling shame and being vulnerable. I'm noticing shame in my own life and now beginning to see it all around me. Someone gets angry quickly...it could be because they are feeling shame. Someone else shuts down quickly and withdraws...it could be because of shame. This shame doesn't pick and chose who it will attack. It hits everyone, even my children.
I've heard shame compared to death. That's pretty emotionally painful, right? It doesn't get much worse than that. So obviously it is something I want my kids to be aware of and to know how to handle when they feel it coming on. For me, shame makes me want to go in a cave. An empty cave. A dark cave. As I sit on the cold floor of the cave I picture my arms wrapped around my legs as if I was doing a safety drill as school. Shame is when I feel I am wrong. I am stupid. I am a mistake. Regret or remorse is feeling like I wished I hadn't messed up. It's when I'm noticing and regretting that I did that stupid thing. It's when I own my mistake and chose to learn from it.
Shame is that critical voice inside that expects me to never mess up. Throughout my life I have often felt shame when I make mistakes. I'm 36. I wonder what my kids are feeling when they make mistakes. I believe that much of their inner voice is created by what they hear spoken to them at a young age. So hypothetically (ok, it's real...my kids aren't perfect), let's say the curtains fell from our 10 feet ceiling, curtain rod and all, and left a baseball size whole in the wall. For the second time! So often, I believe our response to our child when we see the rod on the floor covered with drywall dust scattered around is something like, "What were you thinking? Why did you do that? Do you know how hard that is going to be to fix this?" If I were that small 8 year old child I might begin thinking I'm a mistake, rather than, that was a mistake. My self talk might begin telling me that I was stupid, rather than, stepping on the bottom of the curtain wasn't me thinking it through (which is higher level thinking in brain which I may have not even developed yet). My 8 year old self is no longer problem solving, learning from my mistakes (other than learning what makes my parents angry), so then I'm wanting to hide. Sounds like shame to me.
What if my 8 year old self was greeted with a parent that took a few deep breaths and modeled self control. What if that parent squatted down and with kind eyes asked what happened and if I got hurt. What if they showed their sadness but did it in a way that didn't make me feel like I was a mistake. "Let's problem solve!" they would say. We come up with how I'll do extra chores to make money to fix it and we practice how I need treat and walk around the long curtains. They say "Way to go! Look! You're being careful around the curtain!" I feel sad because I messed up. But I know that I'm not a mess up. Handling our kids' mistakes are a huge opportunity to keep them from that dark cave, and into the light with us. I bet we'll have practice this weekend to deal with one of their mistakes!
Shame is that critical voice inside that expects me to never mess up. Throughout my life I have often felt shame when I make mistakes. I'm 36. I wonder what my kids are feeling when they make mistakes. I believe that much of their inner voice is created by what they hear spoken to them at a young age. So hypothetically (ok, it's real...my kids aren't perfect), let's say the curtains fell from our 10 feet ceiling, curtain rod and all, and left a baseball size whole in the wall. For the second time! So often, I believe our response to our child when we see the rod on the floor covered with drywall dust scattered around is something like, "What were you thinking? Why did you do that? Do you know how hard that is going to be to fix this?" If I were that small 8 year old child I might begin thinking I'm a mistake, rather than, that was a mistake. My self talk might begin telling me that I was stupid, rather than, stepping on the bottom of the curtain wasn't me thinking it through (which is higher level thinking in brain which I may have not even developed yet). My 8 year old self is no longer problem solving, learning from my mistakes (other than learning what makes my parents angry), so then I'm wanting to hide. Sounds like shame to me.
Interested in hearing about Shame and Vulnerability? Click here.https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread--a&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare
