Why do my children ask or tell me the same thing over and over again? I'm not alone in this right? Seriously, the same kid will ask the same thing to me even if I've given them an answer (each time!) I think it might be similar to when I look in the mirror before I leave my bedroom. I stop and examine myself. What do I look like? Do I have anything in my teeth? Did I paint my lipstick out of the lines? (Actually, I don't wear lipstick. It's more realistic for me to check if my long lashes are flashing) :) We look into a mirror to be seen. And isn't that what I want in relationships with the people I care about? I want to be seen by them. I want them to hear me, to slow down and notice me. (I think that's why the beginning of a romantic relationship can be so fun and exhilarating because there is a lot of noticing going on with little distraction. (#bachelornation)
When my kiddos were babies they would cry to get my attention. When I had toddlers I heard a lot of, "Look mom, look!" It didn't matter if they had already slid down the slide at the park before. They wanted me to watch again. As they became school aged it is similar; the message is the same. "Look what I made with my legos!" Having a preteen son I hear on occasion, "I hate you! You never listen." Ok, that is a little harder to hear than "Look! Look!" but he's saying the same thing. The desire and need behind it is the same. In my mommy head I translate those difficult words to, "Mom, do you care about me? Do you see I'm having big feelings. Look at me. Listen to me. Notice me."
I'm learning to take the mirror that is hanging up and putting it in front of me and show it to my kids. I simply reflect what I see them doing or saying. This gives me space to slow down and look at them with happy eyes and with no judgement. And what really excites me is that it communicates to my kids that I see them! They matter to me! When 2 year old Nathan would go down that darn slide at the park he wasn't looking for me to correct him or tell him he was strong or doing a good job. It was simple. He simply wanted me to notice and him go down the slide. In kid brain language me looking at him says, "I see you! You matter to me!" When Stephen comes to me after playing alone for 30 minutes building a lego outer space warship, he wants me to simply stop what I'm doing and look at it. "You made a outer space ship!" That it. I don't need to add a question, a comment, a suggestion, a praise. This simple statement is all it takes for him to then give me a full and detailed description about how he made each part with care and symmetrical so that each function of the ship is effective. Mommy success in my book! We connected!
This is new for me. I hate to admit that I too often miss these 'mirroring' moments. It may be because I'm looking at my phone, trying to make dinner, or simply don't realize that I have a connection opportunity in front of me. Instead of reflecting what they have done or said I instead give them praise, critique, or say that now is not a good time. I want to practice mirroring with them more and more. I want their internal dialogue to be that their mommy sees them and cares about them. My goal is to have their hearts. Not just their obedience. Not just my standard of peace and quiet (although that would be nice...you know what I'm sayin). Not just to be good citizens and act properly. Connection is my main goal as a parent! Because then that is when the want to obey. That is when they are teachable. That is when they will trust me. That is when they are in their 20s and choose to call me instead of out of obligation (hopefully!).
So mirror mirror on the wall, I want you to show my kids that I see them all.
