ADHD Isn't a Real Thing

To the Mom (or Dad) of an ADD/ADHD Child,

I’m sorry.  No really, I know that finding and getting on shoes may take a half hour. I know that staying focused to read one sentence takes several re-directions. I know when there is a meltdown there is not much you can do other than wait it out.   This requires the parent to be patience, give numerous re-directions, plan ahead, stay emotionally stable and level headed.  None of these attributes continually come naturally to most adults.   Parents often lean toward an authoritative kind of parenting and start dishing out consequences. Or on the other end of the spectrum, you find the parent that checks out and withdraws and let’s the kid run the roost because that seems easier.

Hi my name is Sarah and I admit I thought ADD/ADHD wasn’t a real thing. Even as recently as the last few years I thought it was kinda hokey pokey and thought ‘those’ kids just need a good routine with structure and boundaries.   My first ADD conversation with a mother was about a year ago.  She has a spirited lovely teenager and I didn’t even realize she was diagnosed with ADHD until she told me. As this mother told stories describing what it is like to parent her child and explained her behavior,  I had an Oprah AHA momen!  When I haven’t realized or defined a problem yet but I am exposed to hearing my problem articulated from another person it brings understanding and clarity in my own life and thought process. I had never realized that this is why my child might be having some of the behaviors he was having.  He interrupted, had trouble waiting his turn, had over the top emotions, and getting or staying organized was a real daily struggle for him.

Once ADHD was on my radar, I began researching (I know big surprise-I never research! JK)! I looked into diet plans, oils, drugs, weighted blankets, vitamins, you name it, I was reading the heck out of it. Then we tried a few of the common solutions starting with his diet. My child didn’t have enough self-control to stick to the diet. I spent a spirit load of money and drove to the other side of Orlando to get sugar free barbecue sauce (which doesn’t fully exist by the way! Even homemade. It’s really quiet frustrating.)  When you have a child who is extremely picky to begin with and then take away all their favorite foods and give them alternatives, it’s REALLY hard! Honestly, for him, he did a pretty good job, but overall those natural things have not worked miracles for us.

When your child has ADHD, standard discipline strategies don’t always work. Paying attention can be arduous for them.  Transitions are a challenge. And the amount of energy they have is unparalleled.  Their outbursts are obnoxious. Being a parent is hard enough. The demands put on me day and night. The patience it requires. The sacrifices it takes. Now add something like this on top of it that I don’t totally understand and it gets more complicated.

So why am I writing about this. 2 reasons. If you are a parent of an ADHD child I’d love to hear from you. What has worked and what hasn’t?  The second reason is that I hope I threw an ADHD seed in your mind. If your child isn’t responding well to ‘normal’ parenting strategies I encourage you to see if there is something else going on.  Maybe your child struggles with anxiety but shows up looking like anger or belly aches. Maybe your child has sensory processing disorder but all you can see is a screaming child in the corner and you’re confused. Maybe your child can’t sleep at night because of how much energy they still have at the end of the day and they have ADHD. Just be curious!  Maybe all they need is a kick in the pants and a schedule and that will do wonders. But it can’t hurt to take a moment to evaluate. If your child has consistently been showing certain behaviors maybe it's time to explore why.  No matter if your child is the easiest kid or not, let's be curious about their behaviors and struggles! Curiosity is always a good thing! 

I'm going to Burst Your Bubble!

Parenting is not what you expected.   You thought you could control your kids and their behaviors, unlike those kids you see in the grocery store and your nephews and nieces. That’s right, your kids will be different, they will listen and be polite. They will stay healthy and sleep well. They won’t be picky eaters. Each stage of your child will be carefully posted on social media and you will finally feel fulfilled. You’ve waited for this child so you won’t be the one to complain about losing sleep and feeling drained. Your kid will respect you because, well, you’re respectable.  The dreams you had of little warm hands wrapped around your body for a hug is replaced with your child’s big emotions on full display in a tantrum. The tender words you had hoped to exchange each day is instead filled with, “No’s! Get out! I hate you!”  Your parenting dream bubble has popped.  It’s not as easy as you thought and it stretches you. 

I’ll be honest, I thought I’d have the best-behaved kids out there. I was a darn good teacher with classroom management skills and I had worked with kids since I was one. No one told me you can’t control your kids. No one told me nursing was going to be hard. No one told me that my anger might boil up when my own flesh and blood yell at me. No one described what parenting would look like once they start elementary school. No one told me how my heart would ache with them when they are hurting. I’ve learned and am learning as I go. It has taken me time to learn my child and to learn my (our) parenting style.  

Enough of my rant now of the dark and depressing realities of parenting. ;) Here’s my challenge to mothers (and father’s) out there, me included! 

Be honest! 

Share the realities of parenting- not to discourage new parents but to prepare them. Somehow we are more about hiding all the difficulties of life. The parts that look pretty and are put together are often shared and displayed. Think about photo shop, and all the tv shows about renovations, and it only takes a few seconds if you get on social media to see the pressures we face to show off this glamorous body, house, spouse, children.  Ugh! No one can live up to that. 

I’m not advocating to complain. I’m inviting us into an open dialogue about the struggles of parenting. Because I don’t believe anyone would say it’s easy all the time. We all go through seasons, as well as our kids go through seasons.   What if our culture didn’t hide and shy away from messiness but instead embraced it?

Maybe you can’t relate at all to the difficulties of parenting and you really do have an easy kid. If so, I’m happy for you (with a side cringe of jealousy). If you’re in a good parenting rhythm, then share your full heart with those around you because there is someone in your life that is struggling to hold on and survive through the day. Then serve someone around you. Help a parent, not by giving her advice, but by bringing her coffee and folding her laundry.   Ease some of her pain and challenges.

If you are the one who feels lost, or stuck, or overwhelmed, then reach out to a friend you can trust for encouragement and perspective. The worst thing is to feel alone and like your ‘issues’ with parenting are unique and unknown to anyone else.  Check out a parenting book at the library (I’ll tell you which ones I think you should avoid).  😊 Get professional help if needed.  Keep it real parents. As beautiful and as wonderful parenting can be, it can be so challenging. Let’s not be surprised when that happens. Let’s be prepared and be ready to ask for help when it comes.  Because there is always beauty on the other side of pain.  

The rare opportunity with parenting is that you don’t just blow one bubble and you’re done. No. You blow it. It pops. You blow another one. It fizzles out. You will blow hundreds of ‘balloons’ as you try to figure out this parenting thing. You will try different colors, and shapes and sizes. But as a parent you never stop ‘blowing up’ a balloon for your child. That’s the beauty. Our parenting isn’t perfect and neither is our child, can I get an amen!  You won't always have the best looking balloon in the room. But it’s not about always being easy or looking easy. Loving your kid is messy.  Let's embrace that and not be surprised by it.  My idea, or 'balloon,' of what parenting was going to be like is constantly changing. I thought it would look more like me holding tightly onto the balloons and carefully guiding them. More often than not the balloons are swinging in the wind and I am running behind them. But either way, I will never stop blowing up new balloons!

From One Introverted Mom to Another,

Dear Introverted Mom,

Are you introspective and need time alone? Do you process things in your big open internal world? Do you like to spend time thinking before you respond? Do you not need to be the center of attention yet still want others to see you and pursue a conversation with you? Do you hate answering the phone especially if you don’t know who it is?  For years, like 35 years, I thought I was an extrovert.   Probably because I liked people so much and loved being around others that it just made sense that I was an extrovert. Plus being an extrovert seems to be sexier and more fun than being an introvert (at least that what’s I thought).  Extroverts make 50-74% of the population so my chances were high that I was an extrovert. Overtime I have come to realize I am a true bread introvert. I still love people but have come to terms that I often lean into an extroverted introvert category. I love my alone time. I need my alone time. Time with no external stimulation. Time with no one to care for. I need time to think and process life.   This makes me sane and in turn a better mom, wife, friend.

Introverted mom, here are some things that seem to help me. Extroverted mom, you may have an introverted child or friend or husband so hopefully this isn’t too boring for you. And who knows, maybe you’re more introverted than you think. Wink wink. We aren’t that boring of a species. J  These suggestions are only my own. Things that I have found that serve my family well. They by no means have any authority and superiority over your own ideas.  And each introvert will have a different experience.  But it can’t hurt to get the conversation started, right?  So here it goes.

Embrace the younger years.

If you have younger children it’s inevitable that you will be home more.  Whether you are a working parent or not, your kids needs naps, earlier bed times, and don’t have school or extra curricular activities yet. Introverted mom, soak it in!  You get time at home! You get quiet (at least part of the time) when your kid is sleeping. When they get older you don’t get this time anymore, unless you plan it (which I do! Yes, my kids still do a ‘quiet/room’ time every day). 

Life for me with 3 little babies was insanely taxing BUT it was at home. And there is something about being at home for me that is comforting. Now my time is spent out of the home.  I have to ‘be on’ when I take my kids to a sports class because I’ll see and end up talking to parents (which I love, but it does take a lot of energy from me).   Somehow play dates have become an expected thing around my house (probably because 2 of my 3 kids are extroverts) and my kids are constantly asking for play dates so I’m connecting with parents at pick up or drop off.  They have field trips and social events at school. All good stuff! But again, all that makes me feel tired.  Those of you that have younger kids, I know the days may feel terribly long and mundane but there is a beautiful peace about not having to be 3 places each evening for different events. Breathe in. Breath out. Enjoy the safety of your home and the simplicity of your schedule.

Stop looking at that extroverted mom.

Don’t compare yourself to an extrovert. You are wired differently and have different needs. I know you want to sign up for that bake sale but you also have baseball practice the same day and are meeting up with a friend for coffee. As an introvert that is plenty! Maybe even too much. You don’t have to say yes to everything. Because if you do, then you don’t have energy for your main priorities, your family. You might look like a bitch, but you aren’t. You're human. You're afraid that you might come across as you don't but be confident that you are setting healthy limits.   Don’t compare yourself to the extrovert and feel down because she posted all the things she did this week on facebook. When you know your limits and stick to them, you are protecting yourself and your family.  You are loving them well.  That extroverted mom isn’t better than you, just different.

Know Thyself

This is what I need sometimes

It feels like an itch to me. But an itch that doesn’t go away by itching. This itch or tickle I get can physically feel this way inside of me when I’m overextended and over sensored. It’s frustrating because I can’t just itch it and it goes away.  Noticing this uneasiness doesn’t make it go away either. I have to do nothing.  That is hard to do!! Nothing!!! Nature is a huge anti itch cream remedy for me. Getting away from city life and walking in dirt and breathing in fresh air, and looking up at a canopy of trees starts to relieve the tickle. Getting away from my phone (especially social media), my kids, city driving….this relaxes me. Another calming tool I use is writing. To journal. Another is to read. It has taken me so long to even notice what my body feels like when I’ve been too extroverted. Know yourself. Be curious about what gives you life and what sucks it out of you. Listen to your body and what it’s telling you.  A plus to this one is that as you know yourself you’ll start to notice what your family needs as well. Are your kids introverted too? What a gift for them to see you create healthy boundaries for yourself; that will empower them to do the same.

Don’t turn into a hermit.

Don’t be weird.   Turn off Netflix and go outside.  Say hi to the neighbor who passes by while you’re walking.   Having young kids can be so isolating.   So push yourself when needed to initiate that phone call with a friend or schedule that play date for your child with the mom you like.  Be bold and courageous. You can do!

Even introverts are made for connection and need to be around people.

Being an introvert doesn't define me. But I do find it weird that it is something that we don't really talk about as moms, especially first time moms.  Why don't we? It's a huge part of how we parent and the expectations we put on ourselves. It effects how we plan our daily lives. I think it's worth taking a look at and reflecting. Am I taking care of myself? Am I aware of what I need and what my limits are?  And if you ever need another introvert mom to listen to you or talk to you ;)  I'm here.

Love,

An extroverted introvert

Choosing the BEST school for you kids

I sit here with a stress cold because the last 2 weeks have been filled with decisions about next school year for my 3 beloved children.  Making a school decision for our kids is such a big deal. It is who their friends end up being, what teacher they will be with for half of their day 5 days a week, what kind of education they are going to have, and who I will be sitting next to at a PTA meeting. That is a big deal!  It not only greatly effects my children, but my whole family, and myself. As a mom, it’s a no brainer that we want what’s best for our kids.  But how do I know what is best for them? Is it sending them to the highest rated school, or a school that teaches my religious beliefs, or a school where they give me all the warm fuzzy feelers when I walk down the hall and into their classroom, or a school that is more creative and hands on?   It sure is a hot topic where I live right now because changes are being made in our school and new opportunities are opening up for my community.

So how do we decide where to send our kids if there isn’t a clear path? I don’t know. This parenting thing is hard. I’m definitely going to be writing a good old fashion pro and con list and pray. I’m going to get all the information and data I can and think about what is a healthy fit for my children.   But through all the meetings, and talking with parents, and evaluating on what is most important to us as a family I’m reflecting on a few things.

It’s not really our decision. Well, it is in regards to what school we register our children at but sometimes that is about all we know.  We don’t always know who their teacher is going to be and if they have the best personality and teaching style for our child. Are they going to like our child? Are they going to see my kid the way I see him and be able to inspire him?  Do they have the organization skills and classroom management style that is best for my kid? And what about the other children in the class? Will any of them be a kind friend to my child?  I could keep asking a million questions and not know the answers until we’ve been through it.  And what I think is BEST is not what you think might be BEST or even what my kid thinks is BEST for them. 

Take a step back.  I’m realizing that a lot of my stress is because of my blessing. What I mean by that is that I have the opportunity and means to choose where my children go to school. Others don’t have that option. I can choose if we go public or private (I’d have to sell more skin care though if we went private!  Anyone need anything?)  I have the time and energy (sometimes) to be an advocate for my child at their school if they need someone to speak on their behalf.   I have choices because of the position I’m in. I am blessed. We are blessed.

Every family is different.  What I value in a school system is unique to my family.  Personally, I like diversity and I don’t want them in a bubble. I want them to be academically challenged, I want them to learn to use their problem solving skills and develop their voice. I want them to have a community around them that creates safety and belonging. But your values may look different.   Through this process, I’m re-evaluating what I believe is on my top 3 must haves for a school. And my list for Nathan might be completely different than my list for Grace and Stephen. I might have 3 schools next year (yes, I’m freaking out a bit, hence the stress head cold).  What we value in a school can be based on our own schooling, our beliefs, our specific child, and our fears.

So much parenting talk is about what is BEST for our kids. Mike always tells me there is no BEST. We do the best with the information we have.  Moms especially have this pressure don’t you think?  Someone out there tells us we need to have healthy food for our kids, enough play dates, sign them up for a variety of extracurricular activities, oh and look pretty and have our house clean and be interesting but don’t speak up too much. I say screw that! It’s exhausting to be the “BEST.”  I don’t want my kids feeling that pressure either. Because that can't be what is BEST for them ;)  I say I want to take the pressure off and take each day as it comes. And of course I’ll try to make a thoughtful decision for my kids (and I'll stress some) but what I think is best for them, might not be what truly is. Sometimes the difficulties and challenges are what’s best for them to grow and learn. Sometimes not having the most beautiful campus and most state of the art technology isn’t going to affect what kind of person they are developing into. And sometimes it is.   So as an adult and parent, I will do what I can with what I know.   There is no straight, clear path. The path of parenting is windy, curvy, and throws you for some surprises but that is when we often see the most beauty in life.

how we handle our kids' mistakes

Several years ago I was introduced to one of my favorite authors and speakers by listening to her Ted Talk. (I added the link below in case you want to check it out.)  She talks about vulnerability and shame; both of these things I could totally relate to.  It's like those times you don't realize you were hungry but once you take a bite your stomach becomes excited and you realize that food is what you needed. That's how I felt as I listened to Brene's words... they hit a strong cord within me knowing that it was something I needed to hear.  I knew all along that vulnerability and shame were things I had experienced in my life, even if I didn't admit it to others.

Push the fast forward button on the remote in my life and it finds me on a coach with my counselor. No, I'm not laying flat on my back like you see in the movies. But I am feeling shame and being vulnerable.  I'm noticing shame in my own life and now beginning to see it all around me. Someone gets angry quickly...it could be because they are feeling shame. Someone else shuts down quickly and withdraws...it could be because of shame.   This shame doesn't pick and chose who it will attack. It hits everyone, even my children.

I've heard shame compared to death. That's pretty emotionally painful, right? It doesn't get much worse than that.  So obviously it is something I want my kids to be aware of and to know how to handle when they feel it coming on. For me, shame makes me want to go in a cave. An empty cave. A dark cave. As I sit on the cold floor of the cave I picture my arms wrapped around my legs as if I was doing a safety drill as school. Shame is when I feel I am wrong.  I am stupid. I am a mistake.  Regret or remorse is feeling like I wished I hadn't messed up. It's when I'm noticing and regretting that I did that stupid thing. It's when I own my mistake and chose to learn from it.

Shame is that critical voice inside that expects me to never mess up.  Throughout my life I have often felt shame when I make mistakes. I'm 36. I wonder what my kids are feeling when they make mistakes. I believe that much of their inner voice is created by what they hear spoken to them at a young age. So hypothetically (ok, it's real...my kids aren't perfect), let's say the curtains fell from our 10 feet ceiling, curtain rod and all, and left a baseball size whole in the wall. For the second time! So often, I believe our response to our child when we see the rod on the floor covered with drywall dust scattered around is something like, "What were you thinking? Why did you do that? Do you know how hard that is going to be to fix this?" If I were that small 8 year old child I might begin thinking I'm a mistake, rather than, that was a mistake. My self talk might begin telling me that I was stupid, rather than, stepping on the bottom of the curtain wasn't me thinking it through (which is higher level thinking in brain which I may have not even developed yet).  My 8 year old self is no longer problem solving, learning from my mistakes (other than learning what makes my parents angry), so then I'm wanting to hide. Sounds like shame to me.

What if my 8 year old self was greeted with a parent that took a few deep breaths and modeled self control. What if that parent squatted down and with kind eyes asked what happened and if I got hurt. What if they showed their sadness but did it in a way that didn't make me feel like I was a mistake. "Let's problem solve!" they would say. We come up with how I'll do extra chores to make money to fix it and we practice how I need treat and walk around the long curtains. They say "Way to go! Look! You're being careful around the curtain!"  I feel sad because I messed up. But I know that I'm not a mess up. Handling our kids' mistakes are a huge opportunity to keep them from that dark cave, and into the light with us. I bet we'll have practice this weekend to deal with one of their mistakes!

Interested in hearing about Shame and Vulnerability? Click here.https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread--a&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

Mirror Mirror on the Wall: noticing my kids

I was in line this morning at JC Penny picking up an online order for these cute clearance curtains I found for the kids playroom. Yay for making time to decorate! As I was waiting in a line, a father and his daughter pulled up behind me. She was probably 3 years old and her father had strapped her in a stroller.  In the checkout line near the cash register, there were bags of jelly beans. This girl fixed her eyes on them and proceeded to ask her dad probably 20 times or more if she could have them and repeated that she liked jelly beans and wanted him to buy a bag for her. The father did a pretty good job in my opinion. He repeated what she wanted, every time. He was patient. He came up with a plan that they could buy a smaller bag later that day but that these bags were to big for her. When she repeatedly insisted that she likes jelly beans he gently reminded her that she had never had them before.   I got my flowery curtains (they look cute btw) in hand and as I walked away from the pair of them, I listened as the same repetitive conversation between the father and daughter continued.  I looked at him with a smile and said, "I hope she enjoys those jelly beans!"


Why do my children ask or tell me the same thing over and over again? I'm not alone in this right? Seriously, the same kid will ask the same thing to me even if I've given them an answer (each time!)  I think it might be similar to when I look in the mirror before I leave my bedroom.  I stop and examine myself.  What do I look like? Do I have anything in my teeth? Did I paint my lipstick out of the lines?  (Actually, I don't wear lipstick. It's more realistic for me to check if my long lashes are flashing)  :)  We look into a mirror to be seen.  And isn't that what I want in relationships with the people I care about?  I want to be seen by them. I want them to hear me, to slow down and notice me. (I think that's why the beginning of a romantic relationship can be so fun and exhilarating because there is a lot of noticing going on with little distraction. (#bachelornation)

When my kiddos were babies they would cry to get my attention. When I had toddlers I heard a lot of, "Look mom, look!" It didn't matter if they had already slid down the slide at the park before. They wanted me to watch again. As they became school aged it is similar; the message is the same.  "Look what I made with my legos!"  Having a preteen son I hear on occasion, "I hate you! You never listen."  Ok, that is a little harder to hear than "Look! Look!" but he's saying the same thing. The desire and need behind it is the same. In my mommy head I translate those difficult words to, "Mom, do you care about me? Do you see I'm having big feelings. Look at me. Listen to me. Notice me."

I'm learning to take the mirror that is hanging up and putting it in front of me and show it to my kids. I simply reflect what I see them doing or saying. This gives me space to slow down and look at them with happy eyes and with no judgement. And what really excites me is that it communicates to my kids that I see them! They matter to me!   When 2 year old Nathan would go down that darn slide at the park he wasn't looking for me to correct him or tell him he was strong or doing a good job. It was simple. He simply wanted me to notice and him go down the slide. In kid brain language me looking at him says, "I see you! You matter to me!"  When Stephen comes to me after playing alone for 30 minutes building a lego outer space warship, he wants me to simply stop what I'm doing and look at it. "You made a outer space ship!"  That it. I don't need to add a question, a comment, a suggestion, a praise. This simple statement is all it takes for him to then give me a full and detailed description about how he made each part with care and symmetrical so that each function of the ship is effective.  Mommy success in my book!  We connected!

This is new for me. I hate to admit that I too often miss these 'mirroring' moments. It may be because I'm looking at my phone, trying to make dinner, or simply don't realize that I have a connection opportunity in front of me.  Instead of reflecting what they have done or said I instead give them praise, critique, or say that now is not a good time.   I want to practice mirroring with them more and more. I want their internal dialogue to be that their mommy sees them and cares about them. My goal is to have their hearts. Not just their obedience. Not just my standard of peace and quiet (although that would be nice...you know what I'm sayin).  Not just to be good citizens and act properly.  Connection is my main goal as a parent!  Because then that is when the want to obey. That is when they are teachable. That is when they will trust me. That is when they are in their 20s and choose to call me instead of out of obligation (hopefully!). 

So mirror mirror on the wall, I want you to show my kids that I see them all.

Dear Perfect Mom

Dear Perfect Mom,

I am so impressed you have it all together. I noticed you driving your van past my house away from school because you've already dropped of your kids on time and you're on your way to Starbucks for a quiet time of reflection. I spotted you driving by my house because I was looking in my rear view mirror to see which kid was singing at the top of their lungs and which kid was yelling at the opera singer to be quiet. My other child spilled his water bottle because instead of getting his seat belt on he was climbing over the seat to get into the other 2 kids business.  I drive back into the garage that I just pulled out of and put it in park so that I can walk my wet child back into the house so he can go to school with dry clothes.

You are not not only always on time but you look put together too. Your hair is straightened (and washed!), your eye brows are manicured, and you have an outfit that looks like it came off the manikin.  I however, quickly grabbed and put on workout clothes from my disheveled dresser because my child declares he doesn't have any clean socks. I spend my time before the 8:40am school bell rings looking for sock matches in the bottom of the clean over-flowing clothes bin.  Sadly I can't find any, so I look around the house for an old pair that doesn't smell too bad so he can re-wear them. I remind myself to put a load of whites in the washer this afternoon after grocery shopping and stopping by the post office to send some skin samples to my friends. I try to make a mental note and remind myself to take Grace's teal stained shirt out of the bottom of the washer that I threw in their last night.

You look refreshed.  You must be using Rodan and Fields (sorry!! I had too) :)   Your body is tight so I can tell you spend the right amount of time at the gym and in the kitchen. Emotionally, you are aware and healthy that you not only notice the new mom in mops but also have the courage and thoughtfulness to talk with her and invite her to sit down next to you. You are warm and outgoing so you have no problem making friends easily. And your kids must take after you because they typically respond so kindly to your directions and are eager to obey. The story you shared about your husband bringing home your favorite tea because he heard you last week talking on the phone with a friend about how you wanted to try out the new berry flavor really touched my heart. He was so thoughtful and payed attention to details.

Perfect mom, I realize you don't exist.  However, sometimes I believe you do. I see glimpses of you in other moms. I see glimpses of you in me. But here is the mom I see more often.  I see the mom who drove past my house who is sipping on her 2nd store brand coffee because she was up most of the night with her child who had a stomach ache (again) and is wondering what's going on with her daughter.  I see the mom who didn't get a shower in that morning but did put some cute earrings on and lipstick to liven up her face. I see the mom who is doing the best she can to feed her family and herself as healthy as possible but also is thinking of the budget and how she wants to spend her time (or less time) in the kitchen. I see the mom who is emotionally drained because she felt misunderstood by her husband when they had a parenting disagreement this morning but yet she still reaches out to the new mom at the park.

I want to stop judging the perfect mom.  I want to stop trying to be like her. Instead, I want to be a human being. Not a human doing or a human perfection. But a human BE-ing. I want to be. And being means that sometimes I'm that mom that made that beautiful birthday cake that everyone can't believe has vegetables in it and is only 25 calories and the moment is just right. And other times, being means that I'm that mom that carries her 6 year old down the isle even though he is over half her size because his older brother just ran out of site in anger and his sister flopped on the floor and is refusing to move an inch because she wants you to buy fruit roll ups for lunch.  That moment feels miserable and I feel powerless. Both moments are being a human being. Both are part of being a mom.

Perfect mom, you motivate me yet discourage me because I can never attain you.  You seem to do me more harm than good. So I'll stop pretending to be you. I'll accept and acknowledge both the right moments and the miserable moments.  And I'll stop assuming you are all the other moms around me. Those moms are human BE-ings too. So goodbye perfect mom. I'm trading you in for a beautiful perfect imperfection.

Happy to Say Goodbye,

        A Beautiful Imperfect Mom

A Safe Haven

Over my life, I’ve had various places where I feel a hint of magical dust fall upon me. It’s usually when I’m in nature or with those whom I love. I have a sense of peace. I am fully present. My mind is not divided between different spheres of time, which is typically the future for me. I feel the freedom to be me. Sometimes it’s when I’m sitting across from a friend who seems to know my words before I do because they are feeling right along with me. That’s home to me. I remember going for walks in Grand Rapids and finding a quiet bench to sit and write while being surrounded by the trees, the wind, the smell of cool air. That was home.  Several years ago I was driving home from a counseling session and I left knowing myself more, figuring out who I was a bit more. That felt freeing. That felt like home. 

One of the hardest things for me as a parent is how much my kids fight. I didn’t grow up in a family where we fought, at least not outwardly.  I have a personality (maybe we all do)  where I do my best in a safe, quiet, peaceful environment. Add kids to that. Yep, bye bye to all of those things. If home can be a feeling of acceptance, freedom, peace, and being known, then what are my 4 walls on Yale Street?   What can my kids expect about this environment as they walk out of the garage and down the hallway to our kitchen?  Is my home a place where mistakes are looked at as a learning opportunity or failure? Is my home a place where we can be goofy and won't be made fun of? Is my home a place where we don't have to have it all together and will not be lectured for being imperfect?    I dream that the rooms in my house to be a place where my kids belong. The world is tough, their days at school can be challenging. Grace came home livid yesterday because of a situation that happened at school. I want her to know that when she gets home, she will be protected from the pain of the day. She will be comforted and listened too. No more struggle, no more fighting to be noticed, no more having to prove herself.  She can find comfort on our couch and cry or laugh. She can be messy. She can be real. She can be Grace.  Home is where I want her to feel. To be.

I recently read that identity is discovered in relationships. Our children are becoming aware of their bodies, creating their own thoughts and opinions, becoming more of themselves as time passes and settling into their own identity. They are transforming into who they are and what they think of themselves.   What I say or do when Grace sits next to me with tears in her eyes and pain in her words, gives me the opportunity to embrace her little being and to affirm. To love. To accept. To encourage. Her identity is being formed daily in these 4 walls. What am I saying that is shaping her self talk and what she things about herself?

If I had a genie, I think I would ask that my kids never fight again. I want my home to be a place where my kids would protect one another rather than fight for their own personal gain. I desire my house to breath forgiveness and for my children to fill their lungs with mercy.  Who and what my kids think of themselves is crucial. Maybe one of the most important things we can focus on. Not some shallow self-esteem talk, but instead a deep sense of belonging and assurance of who they have been created to be and how they are unique and can bring goodness to this world. My hope is that my children experience more and more glitter dust moments that create a safe haven for them. I want them to feel glimpses of being known and knowing others.  As they learn about themselves and become familiar with being ‘home’ I can then gently speak to my children and tell them to be ‘home’ to those around them.