I’m embarrassed to admit that I am a Bachelor lover. Yes I
watch a show where 20 year olds, who apparently don’t have to work for a
quarter of the year, put on all their makeup and show America their best
selves. The message that all these
singles communicate when they have their few minutes of fame is that they just want
to be happy. If they could just find love then they would be happy. “What a
stupid idea,” I have thought many times. Marriage isn’t only about happiness. I
talk at the screen saying, “You’ll always be disappointment and crying like
Ashley if happiness is your standard.”
What makes my kids happy?
With limited lawn space for our kids to run freely around to explore, our
kids enjoy the things we do have outside which is standing water along our
curb. This is a breeding ground for tadpoles. They squat down in the street,
squeal with excitement, and scoop up these little swimmers with their hands or
a Tupperware if the little guy is lucky.
On my back porch, I have a large Tupperware, with grimy opaque water,
filled with so many tadpoles it looks like a room full of toddlers when you say
it’s lunchtime. Yesterday morning before
school started, the kids ran out with handfuls of lettuce to give them their breakfast
and they called me out there. There was a tadpole that looked like a blowfish.
You know when Violet swelled up because she ate too much candy in Charlie’s
factory? This blowfish must have eaten too
much lettuce. I had never seen anything like it. It was so swollen that its
skin was translucent and had a silvery rainbowy glow. Poor guy. I went back into making lunches and
Nathan walked in with a confident smile and told me he took care of him. He
popped him so that the food could come out. He explained how he had saved him
and then eagerly went back outside to check on him. How many times am I just like this with my
kids? My intentions are good, but at the same time unknowingly, I may be
harming them.
I’m realizing how often I feed my kids a slice of happiness
just like my kids kept feeding the blowfish tadpole. I tie their shoes every morning even though
they are very capable of using their own hands to tie their laces. I don’t want
them to have loose shoes or to have to struggle their way through tying their own
laces. One slice of happiness. I remind
them several times in one morning to put their homework in their bag and then
check to make sure they did it so they don’t feel the embarrassment of not having
it or have a docked grade. Another slice
of happiness. I make sure at the beginning of the school year that they have
the right book bag and lunchbox so that they feel comfortable with them. An additional slice of happiness. Ok, you get
the point. I realize that I live like Bachelor nation. I want them to be happy!
I don’t want them to feel pain, sadness, embarrassment, loss or anything remotely
uncomfortable! Whoa, how did I get here? Is that even what is best for my kids?
Or am I just feeding my little tadpoles one bite of happiness at a time when
eventually they are going to explode. And they do explode (it’s called an emotional
breakdown or aka a tantrum). If there is a challenge where they need to step up
or if something is difficult, they sometimes explode. “What! I have to tie my
own shoes! But I caaaaan’t!” 
Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying I want my kids to be miserable. Happiness is bad. I want to make my kids’ life terrible. What I am contemplating is the thought that I have created an environment and standard of living that is not only unhealthy but also unattainable. I want my kids to be resilient. Then don’t they need to experience difficult conditions? I want them to know how to handle loss. Then don’t they need to undergo being deprived of something of value to them? I want them to know they are not defined by their mistakes. Then don’t they need to encounter a mishandled situation and feel that my love has not wavered for them?
This is taking off some stress for me as well. I’m realizing
they don’t have to have the best kindergarten teacher or a stylish haircut because parenting
is about teaching not creating a flawless world for them. And how can they learn
when everything is perfect? Do I absolutely
delight in giving my kids slices of happiness? Absolutely! But I don’t want to
overfeed my tadpoles where they turn into blowfishes and eventually pop. When
my tadpoles have a moment of hunger I consequently have the opportunity to
teach them skills to get their own food. And just as my kids faithfully take
care of their tadpoles until they are ready to jump out of the Tupperware, I
will devotedly not stop loving my kids whether they get that slice of happiness
or not.
