Learning to slow mySELF down (teaching my kids to listen)

I grab my warm cup of green tea loaded with coconut milk and sit down in our (adult only) living room before the kids come downstairs in the morning. I'm reading, journaling, and reflecting for the day that is ahead when I hear my children fighting upstairs. Shortly after, that noise travels downstairs and they are within a foot of my face all talking at once, fighting for my attention. I have so many ways I could respond and I need to chose what I'm going to do. I could tell them to figure it out, simply separate them, give them each consequences, on and on. So how do I know what I should do?   I'm learning to think and even say out loud to my kids, "Let's slow it down." Although I don't have any power over time or space, I can slow my fragmented mind to focus on one thing.  When I tell myself to slow it down, it gives me a chance to model self reflection and consequently self control. What am I feeling? Let me check my emotions at the door so that I can enter into my kids' world, because what I'm tempted to think is, "I was in my favorite room of the house, reading my favorite book, drinking my warm tea and now I have to deal with you."  I want my thoughts to gravitate towards asking what my kids needing right now? What would I like to see happen in their relationship in this moment? What should I focus on with them when I see a million things they are doing wrong?  Do I focus on the big picture or get into the details? Which kid do I address first? The point is I don't have to know the answers to these questions. In fact, the answers will look different for each child, even in the same day, and it's very likely that there is not a right or wrong answer or solution. However, what is valuable for me and consequently for my kids is to slow my distracted mind down, in order to focus on my children, instead of complaining about how they interrupted me or how my tea is getting cold.  It's valuable to be thinking about them: not just quickly react and make it about me.

How do I get my kids to listen to me once I slow the moment down? After being a mom for almost 9 years here's my latest answer; I don't know.  I'm not even sure that's the question to ask. Why do Mike and I want our kids to listen to us? Our answers may include: because they are supposed to, they need to learn whose the boss,  I'm owed respect, it would just be easier, it's part of being a good human being.  Yes, yes, yes, and yes. But can we step back from all that and take an aerial view?  If I could dream for my children, I would want them to listen to me because they value my words. I would want them to trust my words not because it's about me, but because it's about us. I want a relationship with them where their respect for me and my words comes from years of experiences where they know I am safe, that I love them, that my mind and heart is for them. 

So how can we build safe, loving, and respectful relationships with our kids that fosters them to listen to us? Obviously that question can be an endless conversation but listening to them is invaluable. It's not about only going through the motions of listening or to just bethinking about what you are going to say when they stop explaining themselves. Instead, putting myself into their shoes where my own heart begins to feel with them.   Here's a little acronym I've been using that helps me to remember: SELF.
1. Slow it down
2. Emotions, deal with my own before engaging my kids
3. Listen to them with my full attention
4. Feel, show them authentic empathy

So if I were to listen to my own words, I want to model thoughtfulness rather than being reactionary. I want to grow in listening rather than talking. I want my kids to feel what it's like to have someone feel empathy towards them. That softens not only a child's ears, but their hearts.

How Does a Pale Girl a Tan?

Here are my legs before and after using Foaming Sunless Tan! Love this stuff! Unfortunately, my skin doesn't tan.  I either have pale skin or I burn quickly.  I have tried all kinds of tanning before and this is by far my favorite and goes on the best without streaking!

Check it out at the link below or email me!
https://sarahkjames.myrandf.com/Shop/Product/ESST125
sarahkjames005@gmail.com

the marriage between a voice and a fear...my story with acne

If you know me at all, you know I greatly care about really seeing people; I care about knowing them. Not only what they want me to see, but underneath that. I want to know who they are without shame and fear and why they are that way. I want others to feel heard and know that they matter and they are of worth. I enjoy taking the time getting to know each story.

But when it comes to me being heard...I pause. What if someone doesn't like the real me?  What if they don't really care about what I think? What would that feel like? Painful, of course. So how the heck did I get into something that goes against the very grain of who I am and put myself in the middle of my fear?

A friend asked me when I started using a new acne line if I was planning on selling this to others and become a consultant. My response was something like, "Oh no! That is the last thing I would do. No way!  I hate when I feel pressured or used and I don't want others to feel that way." So recently she asked what has changed since our conversation we had about 6 months ago.  Ironically, nothing had changed other than I was open to the idea that I might share my experience of acne with others if it naturally came up and they had a need for something new for their skin. I'm sitting here smiling, chuckling at myself, that I went from not even telling my friends about my acne to now writing about it on Facebook.

So here's my quick acne story. Since moving to Florida in 2003, I began getting some acne but thankfully when I was pregnant or nursing it cleared up. However, in the past several years I was getting these huge cystic pimples that really hurt, especially when my cheeks hit the pillow at night.
They were terribly embarrassing and lasted up to several months leaving red marks behind them which only felt like reminders of this problem I couldn't solve. I spent so much of my time begrudgingly looking in the mirror.  If staring at them with contempt could burn them off, I would have had the smokiest skin around! I watched countless youtube videos hearing what worked for others from all around the world. Yes, I tried standing on my head (this was advice from a teenager; I should have known better) to get the blood flowing. Yes, I completely changed my diet and got rid of cheese, gluten, and anything that tasted good. I put hemp oil on my face, essential oils, heck...I would have put grass on it if it worked. While feeling guilty for being vein that I cared so much about my acne, I finally went to a dermatologist and she put me on antibiotics that worked after several months.  But I found myself getting sick every month with a lowered immune system. Plus, I like to be as natural as possible, so I didn't feel comfortable taking antibiotics for a short or long period of time.  Fast forward, I started using a new product that I was really skeptical about but thought I had nothing to lose at this point and I knew they had a 60 day return policy. I tried it...and it worked! I couldn't believe it. I seriously want to tell everyone that I see with acne about my story and what has worked for me!!! (don't worry, I don't go up to strangers)

So this is why I love the product! I learned that Rodan and Fields Dermatology had the #1 premium acne skin care. That it was actually a much bigger company that I realized. I heard story after story from others who had used their sun damage, sensitive skin, and anti-aging regimens and were thankful just like me.  I learned they weren't kooky or a scam, but instead the dermatologist from Proactive really knew what they were doing.

I most likely will not reach high sales goals or bust my way through the levels to get 'promoted'. And I'm totally ok with that. That's not what it's about for me. What I have recently seen woven all throughout this process is how my curse has become my blessing.  My acne has given me an avenue to share my story, to share my voice, to share my opinion, and to connect with others. Am I fearful to tell others about something they have maybe never heard of? Yes.  Most of all I fear being pushy and salesy.  But I'm learning to sit in that fear rather than avoid it.  I'm still figuring out what it looks like for me, Sarah James, to share something I love and believe in.  I hold my R+F excitement in one hand, and in the other hand I'm holding up my strong value of respecting and loving others. So when I clap my hands and they collide, what does that look like? I wish I had an elegant explanation but I don't have one (yet). I'm figuring out what it looks like to be me and to share my skin story with others but it's so much bigger than skin for me. It's about believing for myself what I believe for others...we matter, our words matter....and our skin matters! ;)

My Before and Afters