reflections of a kidless mom

It's strange how a memory can quickly pop into your head at just the right moment and speak to you. I was driving down a neighborhood rode this morning-one I had traveled down so many times before. But this time was different. A memory from a few years back popped into my head. I was quickly taken back to when I was sitting on the carpet when Nathan was 5. We opened a green book, one we had gotten from a neighbor, and I began reading aloud to him this book on emotions. Its message was about how we can often feel more than one emotion at a time. I remember reading this book and actually thinking it was kind of silly.  Well...it's no surprise to me that this book crept back into my thoughts today while driving down that familiar road to my babies school. My youngest, my 4 year old baby, was headed to school for the first time.  I felt many things. I felt both joy and excitement (woohoo! 4 hours to myself!) but also a loss and a sadness (this season of my life is now over). It's both amazing and strange that I can feel so many things at once.

Back when I was doing the diapers, naps and nursing thing, this day seemed so far away.  It seemed like I had been kidnapped to babyland and was never going to get out. I can't believe I got out! I cannot believe that as of today, my life feels so different. And here I am realizing I'm like one of the characters in that green children's book. I feel so 'free' that I have left babyland but I also feel so much sadness. I often think of life in increments of 4 years. A bit weird, yes, but I think it's because I really don't feel like I'm 34 and I still think back in school years-4 years of high school, 4 years of college. I remember what 4 years felt like and I can measure and compare time to those 4 years. When I had babies, somehow time began to slow down and each day felt like a year. So my 8 years of having kids at home felt like an eternity. And then somehow time sped up and now my baby is 4.

The morning routine went smoothly today and I kept my heart and ears attentive on my 4 year old son knowing that today was a big day and I didn't know what he'd be feeling and how he would react. He seemed excited and 'normal' so we kept on and we got his 2 older siblings to school.  We came home to finish a few things before taking him to school and he followed me around the house which he always has done. That is probably one of the things I will be missing most. My little pal. He's one of those kids that like to be in the same room as you but doesn't have to be talking the whole time (I have 2 other kids like that). He'll carry his little toys and blanket with him and contently (most of the time) play while I'm cleaning or doing whatever it is I do. He'll randomly look up at me and say, "Good job mom!"  Today he carried his new beloved Paw Patrol lunchbox all throughout the house and talked to me while I quickly cleaned up from breakfast. He has been waiting for this day for years. For years, he has taken the big kids to school and has felt left out.  He actually seemed older to me today. The way he grinned at me when he knew he was doing the kind thing by letting his sister pass him on his bike. His grin was telling me, "Mom, I got this, I know what to do here." Just like he knew how to stand outside the front door so that I could take a billion pictures because he has seen me do this for years with this siblings. He was so excited today that it was his turn to face and smile at the camera.  And of course in Stephen style, he made a bunch of goofy faces and poses.

So fast forward to driving down that familiar road this morning. I had envisioned that this day was going to be hard for him. Stephen is my precious hearted boy who is sensitive and aware of his emotions and others. I thought he may be nervous or unsure. We parked the car and he began to carelessly swing his lunchbox around and talk to me in a happy and confident voice about his hopes for the school day. He was gregarious and yelled hello at a friend from across the parking lot.  We walked in his classroom door and he pulled back a bit and lightly clung to my leg.  He paused for just a moment before stepping in. He saw all the kids and toys and looked up at me and said, "Mom, I want to play with you."  With a warm smile I said in a gentle voice, "Not right now Stephen, you get to play here and I'll be back soon." My young man sat down at the puzzle table, looked up at me with a smile that said, "Mom  I got this, I know what to do here."  I went in for a hug and his little arms wrapped around me as far as they could.  I began to walk out the door and he yelled, " Mom!"  I turned around to see his precious face.  With the biggest smile and assured voice he said, "I'll miss you! I love you!"  And then I walked out the door.

And just like that, he is growing up.  I walked to the van and just sat there. It was quiet. This is my first day of driving in silence. I saw a plane in the sky and realized I didn't have little eyes in the back seat that would find that thrilling, like it was their first airplane they had ever seen.   This is my first day of having 4 hours to do what I want to do.  I went to a doctor's appointment and sat there reading a book and I didn't have to find a sitter.  I left my appointment and thought about all the many choices of things I could do this morning.  My world has opened up to the many possibilities of how I can spend this time that I now have.  If I look 4 years in the past,  to the 30 year old Sarah, I'd say this time will go by faster than you think and there will come a day that is a bit easier, so hang in there. Soak in the small and big moments of everyday life of your kids because you never get them back and you forget a lot. If I fast forward 4 years ahead, I'd ask the 38 year old Sarah, how have you used your time? Did you go back to school for your masters? Did you go back to one of your loves, teaching 5th grade?  Did you finally volunteer at a women's shelter like you've wanted to?  I wish I could hear from the 38 year old Sarah looking back at this momentous day. I will probably have my then 8 year old, Stephen, telling me, "Don't worry mom, we got this."