I think it's funny (well, not really funny) when we get upset because our kids don't just do what we
say. I get irritated when I have to remind them of the same things each
day. It should be simple right? Do what I say. Listen.
Learn. Now go do it. But is it ever that simple? No, of course not! You know
that it's not that easy only after a few hours of being a parent. You feed your
newborn and a few minutes later they cry. Why are you crying?!! I just fed you!
You should be content and ready for the next 2 hours, or 3 if we are
lucky. Then they get a little older and you've told them to stay in their
toddler bed and all they want to do is be out of that mini bed. If you
are a mom, you know it's not an easy job. In fact, it's really difficult for so
many reasons. We all know it's hard. Even if you're not a parent, you
know that it's hard. We've all seen the annoyed face of a dad holding their
crying kid in a restaurant as the mom looks on with concern and embarrassment.
So what do we do with this challenging job? Do we read a few articles to get some clarity and new ideas? I think titles that include 5 bullet points are silly and here I am writing one. There are no 5 easy steps. But getting some time to reflect and think can be useful. I value thinking through the big picture of things like what I want my kids to learn and see while
they are in our home. It gives me perspective in the difficult moments like how I should respond when my son throws a bike lock at our tv. I spend time not only thinking about areas that they should grow in but
also areas that I myself want to grow in so that I can be a better mom. Here are a few areas that I am challenged by and want to continue to grow
in. There is probably nothing new here but it's always good to be reminded of how
to love our kids well.
1. Accept that you're not perfect.
Anyone could watch me for less than 5 minutes and see that I'm not
perfect. Watch me in the kitchen. Bowls break. Cupboards are left open. I
clean up just enough so that it looks clean (just don't look too close). When I
bake I don't know what happens but there is flour everywhere. In my hair, on my
shirt, on the floor, ya everywhere. I don't know how those chefs on the
cooking shows keep their space so clean. Recently after cleaning the kitchen
floor I asked Mike how it looked. He didn't know that I had just cleaned it
otherwise I’m sure he would have been more careful with his response which was,
"It's looks dirty." Ugh! Dirty? I just cleaned it! Keeping a
kitchen floor clean is far easier than raising a child. I'm going to mess this
parenting thing up-a lot. I'm going to make it about me and get angry when they
don't do as I say. I'm going to be too easy on them sometimes because it's
often easier to say yes than no. I'm going to rush them off to school because
we are late even if it's at the expense of not connecting with them before they
leave my sight. My goal mustn't be perfection. My goal is to know that I am
still loved and worthy even when I mess up. My goal is to show my kids
the same. They are still loved even when they mess up.
2. Take a look at your expectations.
Some say I have too high of expectations. Well...I’ll be honest, it's my husband
who says I have high expectations but he’s right. I expect too much from myself
and from others. I forget about point number one-that I don’t have to be
perfect. In fact, as my mind frame changes, I’m realizing that it's my
imperfections that people usually connect with and are drawn to. My kids
aren't an exception. I not only have unrealistic expectations for myself
but for my children as well. I expect my kids to get their seat belts on
without a reminder from me every time we jump in the van as if they have
never done this before. If my expectations
are that they will jump right in and sit down then I’m going to be exhausted
and potentially angry every time we go anywhere. I'm not suggesting doing away
with expectations for your kids (or yourself-sometimes need you need to put the
coffee down and do a load of laundry). In fact, I think letting your kids know
what is expected of them is not only helpful but thoughtful. However, I think
my expectations can be altered. I can still want them and expect them to get
their seat belts on but I can also expect that they won't learn things over
night. I can expect that they will need gentle reminders. I can expect
that it would be helpful to come up with different games and ideas to motive
them. I can expect to love them in spite of their forgetfulness.
3. Children are complex. Study your children.
I love manuals. Why? Because they make things easier. They tell you what you
should expect. Give you a list to check if something goes wrong. They explain
the warranty and best of all, they give you instructions. Before I left the
hospital with my newborn, they explained how to bathe him, feed him, and gave
me a whole kit of formula. But they failed to give me a manual for how to raise
my child. Sometimes I think we forget how complex our kids are. They are like
us except they don’t know yet the rules of this world. One thing I love about
being a mom is to study my kids. What makes them tick? What is their love language?. I
want to know what makes them giggle and what makes them nervous. I want to know what they typically need from me
when they get worked up. One of my children needs to be wrapped in my arms
and to snuggle. Another one of my children needs to be affirmed of my love for
them. And another one just needs to talk and I need to listen. I try to
stop working sometimes to really watch my kids. To really listen to them. I
want to learn all about them. I even imagine sometimes what it must be like to
be their height, walking around this house, with me as their mother. There is no manual given at birth but I can
take time to study each one of them to learn how to best care for each of them.
4. Stop feeling guilty.
Maybe this isn't you but I feel guilty all the time. Here is a big one for
me lately....our kids aren't in any extracurricular activities. I feel like
they are missing out on something that every other kid is experiencing. It
seems like everybody has their kid in some sort of sport or activity by age 4.
Well, my oldest is almost 8 and umm...ya...he isn't signed up for anything yet.
I hear myself and other moms say we are guilty for giving them pop tarts for
breakfast or for letting them watch too much tv. We can feel guilty for not
playing with them or for yelling at them or for working too much. I think the list can be endless. It's not
helpful to just say stop feeling guilty as if I can stop the feeling from
coming. But I think it is worth taking some time to see where we feel guilty.
And then it's helpful for me to talk with friends to help process my feelings
of guilt and to get someone’s perspective.
5. Get away from your kids.
I hear this one all the time. I don't know where I hear this, but I hear it.
They say, you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your
family. You take the first puff of oxygen before giving it to your kids. This is one area my husband is amazing in. He gives
me time to replenish, rejuvenate, and relax. I need, especially as an introvert, to get time alone. That's
why I love going to the gym. Watching a tv show is relaxing to me or taking a bath. Even a cup of coffee can feel like I'm taking care of myself. And one of my favorites is to go out dancing! If I don't get breaks, then I break. What do you need in order to feel rested? What is one step you can take to get there? I know this can be so
difficult especially when I had really little kids at home. I'd be lucky to get
a few minutes to myself. But I think it’s worth getting creative so that you can get some time to yourself.
