I wonder if my interaction with coffee is similar to how I engage with people. Having some connection with another person is like mints to Stephen, necessary. Just look at children. They demand attention, care, motivation, acceptance. They will repeat the same sentence until there is some acknowledgment that they have been heard. One of my kids was throwing a huge tantrum (yes, my kids throw tantrums)…yelling, running away from me, the whole nine yards. Thankfully we were at home where I was able to focus on him. Once I got him in his room, I looked at him and said 3 words,” I love you”, and invited him to sit with me. When he heard those words, he settled down enough to see that I was not the enemy and came and sat in my lap. He told me his heartache and explanation for his anger. I looked in his eyes as he spoke and really tried to put myself in his story and felt what he was feeling right along with him. That’s all it took. He felt heard. He felt like he mattered. His words meant something. He meant something.
I see how much we need interaction and connectedness. I don't think we ever grow out of this. A dear friend of mine said something recently that I thought was profound and insightful. She said, “I never knew how lonely being a mom was going to be.” I think that is the case for many of us. We can’t sit on our kids’ laps and start asking them to care for us. When do we find the time as caregivers to be on the recipient end of things? I think we all know we need true, honest interactions, especially mothers. I need to feel I'm not alone. To know that my children aren't the only ones that yell at me in public, are picky eaters, pee on the floor when they had already been potty trained for 3 months, to feel like every morning is Groundhogs day, to wonder if I'm missing out on something bigger and better while staying at home changing a diaper. So why don't we share these things with others? Maybe business or laziness…but I would be willing to bet that it’s more like my coffee. I am afraid that if I drink too much, too fast, too often I will get hurt or have negative consequences. Sitting down with someone not only takes time, but it takes vulnerability. It’s a risk. Would they care about me enough to really listen and understand me? Or would they just try to fix the situation, or worse, fix me? Would they think I was weird and judge me? Would they hear my junk and still accept me?
Sometimes I'm afraid to allow myself to feel. This takes away from me really being in the moment and enjoying the ‘good’ times. For some reason, I think that if I stay leveled out and don’t get really really happy or feel joy, that when something bad happens, I won’t really feel pain or disappointment (not all the time of course). I have no control over what will happen to me-good or bad but I do think it's a way to protect myself. And if something bad is going to happen, pain can't be avoided, even if I successfully try to level out my feelings. The sad thing is that I may be missing out on feeling joy and happiness when I’m given those times. And often, the bad times produce the best times.
I'm starting to let myself completely feel. What if when something wonderful happened, I could soak it in for all it’s worth. Yesterday, my little 3 year old boy asked if he could hug me because he saw a tear in my eye. I loved accepting his love and care for me. It meant something to both of us. What would happen if I stopped ignoring or masking pain by eating brownie batter and watching my favorite guilty pleasure on tv (ok, I don't think I'll ever stop doing that!). So I’m challenging myself to really feel, whether it is positive or negative, but even more so, to share that with someone else. To go to someone I trust and open my heart up and ask them to listen to me.
Being simply human doesn't always seem to be that simple. It means feeling... joy, pain, risk, disappointment, sacrifice, acceptance, embrace, understanding, forgiveness. It means being vulnerable. What are we missing out on if we don’t allow ourselves to feel these things? What are we missing out on if we don’t share our thoughts with someone else? How does this affect our children? We were created to be loved and to love others because the one that created us, loved and loves us.
So I say …go grab a caramel macchiato with whipped cream (and a good friend)!
